a catalogue of thoughts.
today can be defined by four hours of studying, taking 3.5 quizzes and crying in my car parked outside the gym. it can be defined by pushing through a lamenting ego’s attempt to restrict the joy of an opportune adventure and instead going out into the world to explore a new park. it can be defined by the process of grief and how it sneaks up on you like a mischievous kid. a gift my subconscious thought it was to dream of reuniting with bean, yet the jarring reality of his nine month absence brought the trick of hope crashing down around me as the ceiling fell through. pieces of rubble and drywall littering my pastel flower print sheets. all day remnants followed me around like a dark and wet rain cloud. i held the rubble in my hands as i wept through half of my car napkin stash. i wore my sunglasses inside the building to hide my soaked lashes, allowing my reindeer red nose to be passed off as a sunburn rather than an outpouring of the heart.
today can be defined by choosing to embrace the humanity of this reality. joy and sorrow balance out and moving forward, picking my head and heart up in a hug, in acceptance of the present moment and placing trust in my faith. life looks and feels and is experienced differently now than it was a year ago in missouri, in my rural solitude. i had to make this change in order to understand my place in the world. to grasp and cherish what is most meaningful. to test my values and security in self. the development of self is built with the bricks of experience, challenges, triumphs, reflections. some days i ruminate too much; today was not one of those days. i’ve shown up for my present and future self in discipline, creativity, commitment and grace.
a proud moment of the day includes completing a three minute italian lesson to string my streak along to a 37th day among my studying; finishing a forty minute treadmill walk with a sprint to make it to two miles as Sylvester Stallone completed his first episode in tulsa, oklahoma. a weighted leg workout accompanied by a chill lofi mix of hip hop beats and a silent steam in solitude. towel wrapped around my waist and titties out to enjoy the engulfment of the drizzling atmosphere. a cleansing of the mind, body and spirit.
love looks like eating a bowl of homemade red curry packed with vegetable and rice. it looks like buying spinach and ice cream at the store but skipping the wine and hard kombucha on the way to check out. love and respect are synonymous. there were many wins today; grace has been shown with the choice to eat 3/4 of the ice cream purchased and starting a new romcom guilt free as a study break while fireworks were interfering was earned.
there have been an abundance of wins today. reading and journaling are on that list and now creative writing can be added as well. gratitude for the accumulation of small joys painting the present picture.
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